As we age, so do the holidays. Getting becomes giving. Family becomes friends. And sometimes, one gathering divides into two.

As children of divorce, we know separated holidays are complicated. It’s a reminder that our families aren’t “normal,” and watching your other friends have “ideal” families is difficult. We can say that going from parent to parent isn’t only about switching houses, it’s about putting on different faces for each parent. All this flipping back and forth, especially during the holidays, around so many different family members, can be exhausting.

I don’t know when my parents divorced. I have no memory of their marriage. The idea of them ever being a couple honestly seems made up. It’s always kind of felt like I have two families, each of them are completely separate parts of my life. When I was younger, split parents was all I ever knew, and a lot of my friends had separated parents as well, so I really never thought much about it. It was just the way things were and had always been. As I got older though, and all I saw on TV was families with parents who were together, it made me want a picture perfect family of my own.
When I look back on my parents divorce, I think about all the signs that I should have seen leading up to it. My parents divorced when I was in fifth grade. I was at an age where I didn’t really comprehend what was going on, or what they meant by saying “your mom is buying a new house”. At age 7, I remember my mom asking me if it would be okay if she and my dad didn’t live together. But, what stuck with me the entire time was thinking, “what did I do wrong?” “How was I the problem?” “What could I have done differently to make my parents happy?”

After listening to a lot of people’s stories and thinking back on our own, we realized that as you get older and look at your situation with a more mature point-of-view, you see that many times, divorce is ultimately the best choice for not only the parents, but also us children.

When deciding what to showcase in our holiday issue, we wanted to talk about an audience that is not commonly shared in detail. That’s why we chose to write about divorced kids. We know first-hand how hard it is to live in difficult family situations, but by telling these stories we can normalize and show the reality of how divorce affects the holidays.

Willa Sears (9) – 

Willa Sears (9) is no stranger to drawing elaborate family trees for all the new people she meets. For as long as she can remember, her family has been complicated. 

When Sears was less than a year old, her parents got divorced. Her mom started dating her step dad when she was 3, married him when she was 6 and had a kid–Sears’s half brother. But when she was 12, her mother and step dad divorced, further dividing the tree.

Her father also had a kid with another woman when she was little, her other half brother. But when Sears was 11 years old, her father died. 

“It was hard,” Sears said. “It feels like so long ago but it was only three years ago.”

When it comes to the holidays, getting to celebrate with everyone isn’t as simple as it sounds. Sears has over six events to go to the week of Christmas, all at different houses, with different parts of her family. 

“It’s very chaotic and can be a lot to deal with,” Sears said. “But also the holidays are just kind of sad. It’s hard to watch all your other friends have the perfect family image with the whole family together for Christmas, when now I’m only ever going to get to see one of my parents for the holidays.”

With dinner after dinner, family arguing, and mayhem, Sears sometimes finds herself dreading the holidays.

“There can also be a lot of passive aggressiveness,” Sears said. “Like the adults are always making these little digs at each other.”

Even excluding Christmas, Sears still has even more to do in December. Her cousin’s birthday is Christmas Eve and her aunt’s birthday is Dec. 18. She also celebrates Hanukkah with her ex-stepdad and his family.

“We will sometimes go to New York to see my ex-stepdad’s family, depending on when Hanukkah falls,” Sears said. 

Although the holidays can be a struggle, Sears has ways she’s found to help her navigate the many gatherings that come with her complex family tree.

“If I had advice for other kids I would say to bring a book and music so if you get really overwhelmed or anything you can kind of escape in that way,” Sears said. “In the end, just remember that even if everything is bad, you still get extra presents.”

Ty Wysong (12) – 

When Ty Wysong’s (12) parents divorced, she didn’t know what to feel. The initial shock left her feeling hopeless, but she tried to pretend it wasn’t as serious as she felt deep down.  

“I didn’t really understand it,” Wysong said. “When my dad told me, I kind of just brushed it off because I didn’t want to seem like I was really sad about it.”

The divorce happened when Wysong was in fourth grade. She doesn’t remember many of the details surrounding the divorce or what her life was like before her parents split. And since the change happened while she was still quite young, it left Wysong feeling disoriented.

“I was going from her house to his house every few days so sometimes I got confused,” Wysong said. “I wouldn’t know whose house I’d be at, and that really affected me.”

About two years after the divorce happened, Wysong realized that the amount of conflict between her parents had dissipated. Without seeing as much hardship in their relationship, as she had when they were together, Wysong realized that the change was probably for the better.

“They can still be around each other. Like, they’re still really good friends,” Wysong said. “And for family events, we all do it together. So, it’s really fun.”

During the holidays, when her immediate family gathers, it nearly feels the same as when her parents were still with one another. Celebrations such as birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas are not separated, something that Wysong cherishes. 

“I like it when we’re all together,” Wysong said. “I mean, I understand why it happened in the first place, but I don’t really mind.”

This year, Wysong plans to see her grandparents on her dad’s side for a Christmas celebration over the holiday break. But on Christmas Day, she is always with her mom, dad and siblings.

“I’m pretty excited for the holidays,” Wysong said. “To be out of school, spend time with family and just chill.”

Wysong has experienced the struggle of a parent separation first-hand. She knows that the first divided holidays can be especially hard, but she got through it by looking to the future. 

“If the separation is newer, it’s best to know that it does get better,” Wysong said. “As you get older you will understand why it happened or that it was just for the best.”

During the beginning of Wysong’s parents’ separation, she was consumed by the idea  that having her parents together was the best solution. Now she knows that having separate households is definitely for the better.

“I’ve learned that things come to an end, but they can still be good.”

Erin Cowan (12) – 

About a year ago, Erin Cowan’s (12) life changed completely. In late 2022, Cowan, her brother and her mom moved away from their father and into a different house. Since the separation, Cowan has always stayed with her mom.

“My dad wasn’t a very good person,” Cowan said. “So, my mom really needed to get out of the situation.”

Even though Cowan stopped seeing her father at the time, her brother continued to switch between houses biweekly.

“It affected me a little when my brother would switch houses and I wouldn’t,” Cowan said.“My dad was telling him things that [I thought] weren’t true. Then he’d come over and be mad at my mom.”

After living in a rental house for about a year, this October, Cowan and her mother were able to move into a permanent residence that her mother now owns. After it was all over, Cowan had mixed feelings about the move.

“I mean, I was happy for my mom to have her own place,” Cowan said. “But I really did like the house we were in before, so I was a little upset.”

The house that her mother bought was previously owned by Cowan’s uncle. So, the move made them closer to her mom’s family for the holidays.

“There’s actually less traveling now that my parents are divorced. Especially because my mom’s side of the family is closer,” Cowan said. “We’d usually do something at home and then would go to both my mom and dad’s side.”

Alongside the ease of travel for the holidays, Cowan no longer has to be weary of her father’s emotions during holiday celebrations–something that relieved her of seasonal stress.

“I feel like my dad made everything a lot more complicated,” Cowan said. “It would depend on what type of mood my dad was in, to know how we were supposed to act. Without him, everything was a lot smoother for me and my mom.”  

For the break this year, Cowan is excited to spend time baking with her mom, one of their favorite activities to do together. They also plan to see her mother’s sister, who has two children around the same age as her.

“We hang out a lot, which makes holidays a lot more fun,” Cowan said. “Instead of just having to spend time with a bunch of grown-ups.”

This is only the second holiday season Cowan has had without her father, but she’s learned a lot since the divorce.

“Sometimes it just needs to happen. There’s no way you can try to keep them together, and at some point, it just has to come to an end,” Cowan said. “It’s best to just hold on. It will get better, and know it is not your fault.”

Martha Stathopoulos (9)  – 

Martha Stathopoulos’s (9) parents first separated when she was going into fourth grade, at the age of eight or nine. Right after she found out about the separation, her mother moved out of her father’s house.

“I remember my dad told me they were separating,” Stathopoulos said. “Then the next day, I came home from school and all my mom’s stuff was moved out.”

At the time, Stathopoulos was attending St. Thomas Aquinas and felt estranged from her classmates.

“I was basically the only kid in school with divorced parents, at least that’s what it felt like,” Stathopoulos said. “Everyone took a ton of pity on me. They kind of treated it as some tragedy, when in reality, I really wasn’t that sad about it.”

Eventually, Stathopoulos transferred to MacDonald Middle School in eighth grade. 

“As soon as I switched to East Lansing it felt way more normal,” Stathopoulos said. “A lot of other kids here have divorced parents, so it wasn’t a weird thing to have them anymore.”

After the divorce her father stepped up as her primary caregiver. She stays at his house most of the time and goes to her mom’s on weekends. Although her parents are separated, Stathopoulos said she never felt devastated by it, even when she was in fourth grade.

“I feel like I would be sadder about the divorce, but I don’t feel burdened by it,” Stathopoulos said. “My dad kind of became like my mom and my dad. My dad is so involved in my life in so many ways so it really doesn’t feel like I’m missing out on anything having divorced parents.”

For the holiday season, Stathopoulos’s family always spent time together at her grandparent’s house on her dad’s side and continued to for years after the separation. 

Although as the years go by, tension seems to grow between her parents, making joint holidays impossible.

This year is the first year Stathopoulos’s holidays will be separated. She will spend Christmas Eve with her mother, then spend Christmas Day with her father. By her own admission, she’s honestly kind of excited to have two Christmases this year.

“I feel like everyone knows the one perk of having divorced parents as a kid is that you get two Christmases. So I’m excited that this year, even though my parents are fighting more, at least I get to profit off that with two Christmases.”